If the world were ideal, there’d never be the wives-mothers-in-law conflicts in marriages. Especially in places like Nigeria where there are plenty of other matters on our plates begging for attention. But, here we are – in a world that’s not ideal anyway. So, we have to deal with it.
Surprisingly, many would agree that most sons-in-law get along better with their wife’s family but there seems to be a problem usually when the table is turned. Why?
What exactly is it with mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws? It is a relationship that’s meant to be rooted in love and mutual respect, but often ends up with either or both sides walking on eggshells. The truth is, at the heart of it, these women – wives and mothers – are not bad people. What’s usually at play is just a mix of insecurity, ego, power, and sometimes, past trauma that’s unresolved and uncommunicated.
If you chat to some mothers-in-law in Africa, they will probably tell you that many of them have had to fight hard to earn respect in their own marriages and that some of them were never really heard or appreciated by their husbands. It, therefore, somehow checks that when some – who have been in this situation – see their sons loving and/or respecting their wives openly, something inside them might feel… displaced.
Mothers-in-law who have not managed to deal with their insecurities might begin to feel like their daughter-in-law has taken their position. And then if they process this insecurity, it might graduate to competing for attention. Sometimes, the processing is even subconscious. It’s almost like these women just want to prove that they’re still the most important woman in their son’s life.
But if we’re being honest, if some of these mothers-in-law were truly happy in their own marriages, would they have the time or energy to meddle so much? Maybe not. When someone feels seen, loved, and valued in their own space, they hardly go around looking for a battle. But when they feel overlooked, chances are higher that they may try to assert control where they think they still have some power left, like in their son’s home.
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On the other hand, many wives go into marriage already on guard and with expectations formed in their mind. Society has painted mothers-in-law as villains for so long that some young women don’t even give them a chance. Hence, every innocent or playful comment feels like a jab. Every suggestion sounds like criticism. Even a jovial “This is how we used to cook it in our house,” would sound like an insult if you’re already expecting war.
So what happens? The daughter-in-law becomes defensive, sometimes cold, and the tension begins to build.
Unfortunately, when this happens. Not many men know how best to handle it. Which brings us to boundaries, or the lack of them. Some sons don’t understand that the moment they get married, while their mother still holds an important place, the wife becomes their immediate family.
If you don’t draw clear lines, your home would become a battlefield between two women who are both fighting to be seen.
Another layer that’s rarely spoken about is cultural expectations. In many cultures, women are taught to “endure” things in marriage. Thus, when a mother-in-law begins to ‘overstep’ boundaries, the daughter-in-law is expected to “tolerate it” for the sake of peace. But peace at the expense of mental and emotional health? That’s not peace. That’s slow resentment, and it eventually explodes.
Let’s also not ignore the role of comparison. A mother-in-law might expect her son’s wife to behave like her or meet some old standard she holds dear. “When I married my husband, I used to wake up at 4 a.m. to cook soup before work.”
Okay, grandma, but times have changed. And even if they haven’t, your way is not the only right way.
Now, to be fair, not all mother-in-laws are difficult. Some are sweet, supportive, and go out of their way to make their daughter-in-law feel like a daughter. On the other hand, not all wives are saints either, some come into the marriage with pride and entitlement, forgetting that the woman they are constantly at war with raised the man they now love.
What’s needed is empathy and maturity on both sides. A mother-in-law should remember that her son’s wife is also someone else’s daughter, trying to find her way in a new home. And a daughter-in-law should realise that this woman has spent decades pouring herself into her son, and stepping back doesn’t always come easy.
It doesn’t have to be a battle. With mutual respect, open communication, and healthy boundaries, this age-old conflict can become a thing of the past. After all, aren’t we all just trying to be loved and respected?
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