Bidemi thought his friendship with Susanna might grow into something more. She wasn’t ready, so he stepped back. Months later, when she changed her mind, he had already drawn his line. In this interview with JD, Bidemi* (24) talks about timing, self-respect, and why he chose to walk away.
On a scale of 1-10, how ‘ghetto’ is your relationship life at the moment?
4
What! There has to be a story there.
Lol. Yea, a lot actually. I have had very ghetto experiences.
Please talk me through one of them.
So, I met this lady in church. We both attended the same parish. I had seen her around for some months, but we didn’t talk properly until a mutual friend introduced us after service one Sunday.
What were your first impressions of her?
She was warm. She carried herself with calmness. You know how some people are initially shy? She wasn’t like that. She was open, asked questions back, and laughed at my jokes. I thought, “Okay, this is someone I could be friends with.”
So it started as friendship?
Yes. Just casual chats after service, then later exchanging numbers. At first, it was the usual “How was your week?” type of thing. But over time, our conversations got longer. We would call each other in the evenings, sometimes talking for hours. That’s how it grew.
Did you feel something deeper from the start, or did it take time?
It took time. I wasn’t immediately thinking, “This is someone I want to date.” For the first few months, it was just an easy friendship. But you know how constant communication can build something. I started to notice I cared more about her. That’s when I knew my feelings had shifted.
What exactly drew you close to her?
She had a listening ear. Whenever I spoke, I felt heard. She would remember small details I had mentioned weeks earlier and ask me about them later. Also, she was funny. We could banter for hours without running out of things to say.
How long did this “talking stage” last before you thought of taking it further?
About three months. By then, we weren’t just talking after church or on the phone. She sometimes visited, and I visited too. We started hanging out outside church programmes.
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And you felt ready to take it further, yea?
Exactly. I thought, “Why not make it official?” It felt like a relationship already, only without the name. I wanted clarity.
How did you bring it up to her?
One evening after midweek service, we sat outside on one of the benches. I told her plainly that I liked her and wanted us to date.
What was her response?
She said she wasn’t ready. She gave reasons. Work stress, family issues, not being in the right frame of mind for a relationship. She said she valued our friendship but couldn’t give more at the time.
How did that land with you in that moment?
I won’t lie, e pain me. I had expected she might say yes, given how close we were. But I also didn’t want to push or argue. If someone says no, you take it as no, even if they coat it with “not yet.”
Did you feel she was being honest with those reasons?
Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe yes, maybe no. Only she can tell. But I didn’t spend energy trying to decode it. What mattered was she didn’t want what I wanted at that time. That was enough answer for me.
What happened afterwards?
I locked up. I adjusted my boundaries. Before, I was always available. If she called at midnight, I would pick. If she needed help with something, I would rush. I realised I couldn’t keep giving that level of attention when she had said no to commitment.
Was it difficult creating that distance?
Very difficult. I had built a routine around her. Cutting back on calls, not visiting as much, learning to hold back when I wanted to share something, it wasn’t easy. But I had to remind myself that continuing like before would only hurt me more.
Did you feel any anger towards her?
Not anger. More like disappointment. I respected her decision, but I was also disappointed that the closeness hadn’t meant the same thing to her as it did to me.
Some people might argue that you probably didn’t really love her that much.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I know I cared deeply. Love, for me, has to be mutual. I wouldn’t call it love if I am the only one ready to commit. So I would say I was strongly attached, but love in the full sense needs both people moving in the same direction.
Did you hope she would eventually change her mind?
At first, yes. For some weeks, I thought maybe she would come around. But after a while, I trained my mind to stop waiting. It’s not healthy to live on “what if.”
Did she come back?
Yes. About four months later, she started reaching out more often again. At first it was casual, but then one day she told me straight up that she was ready now, that she wanted us to try.
What was your reaction?
I was calm. I listened, but I didn’t feel the same excitement I might have felt before. By then, I had adjusted to life without her.
Did you consider giving her a chance?
Briefly. But I asked myself, “Why now?” If I was good enough later, why wasn’t I good enough when I asked? It made me feel like a backup plan. Like she had looked around, weighed her options, and only then remembered me. I didn’t want that.
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So you said no?
Yes. I told her I didn’t want to start something that felt like a second choice. I would rather stay friends than carry that doubt.
Do you regret that?
No. It wasn’t easy, but I don’t regret it. For me, it was about self-respect. You can’t force timing.
Some might say you were harsh. How do you see it?
People will always say things. But for me, it wasn’t harsh. She had her choice earlier. I made mine later. That’s fair.
Did you find someone else at that time?
Not exactly. I wasn’t in another relationship. I just focused on myself. Work, church activities, spending more time with friends. It helped me clear my head.
Where do things stand between you two now?
We are cool. We greet each other at church, sometimes even exchanging a few words. But it’s not like before. The closeness isn’t there anymore, and I’m fine with that.
What lesson has this whole experience taught you?
Two main things. First, don’t ignore timing. It matters as much as feelings. Second, protect your peace. It’s okay to draw boundaries, even with people you care about. Saying no to someone can sometimes mean saying yes to yourself.
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*Pseudonym
