Mmesoma (28)* has loved hard, lost harder, and is learning what it means to start again. In this conversation with JD, she opens up about her past relationships, the choices that shaped them, and the quiet work of healing.
How would you describe your journey with relationships in general?
They have been messy, if I’m being honest. Short, intense, and draining.
What’s the backstory?
I was the kind of girl who gave my all quickly, thinking it would keep the person from leaving. Most of my relationships didn’t last past a year. I’d meet someone, get swept up, and before I knew it, it would all fall apart.
Why do you think they turned out that way?
A lot of it comes from how I grew up. My dad was around, but he wasn’t present. He was strict, distant, and rarely had good things to say. He wasn’t physically abusive, but he was absent emotionally.
I grew up with this hole, always craving approval. I’d get good grades, and instead of saying “well done,” he would ask why I didn’t do better. If I dressed up, he would find a flaw. That shaped me more than I realised. When I started dating, I carried that same need into my relationships. Instead of checking if the guy was right for me, I was more focused on proving myself to him.
When you say proving yourself, what do you mean?
Doing things to show I was serious. Going out of my way to cook, to clean, to be loyal to a fault. Overlooking things I shouldn’t. Bending myself to fit into their lives. I thought if I showed enough love, I’d be chosen.
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Let’s talk about your last relationship. How did it begin?
We met through a mutual friend at a birthday gathering. He stood out because he looked like he had his life sorted. He had a stable job, a car, his own place.
Compared to the kind of men I had been with before. I was twenty-four then, and I was tired of casual flings. I wanted something steady. So when he showed interest, I threw myself into it.
What drew you in the most?
His calmness. He wasn’t loud or flashy. He carried himself like someone sure of who he was. After the instability of past relationships, that steadiness pulled me in. I told myself, “this one won’t waste my time.”
What changed the dynamics in the relationship?
When I started staying over at his place.
How did staying over start?
At first it was weekends. I would stay Friday night after a date, then Saturday. On Sunday morning, I would feel too lazy to go to church, so I would hang around until evening.
Slowly, I started leaving little things behind, toothbrush today, some clothes tomorrow and on and on like that. It didn’t feel like moving in, it felt like convenience. Within months, I was sleeping over three or four nights a week. My own apartment started to feel like the place I only went to pick up clothes.
Did he invite you, or did it just happen?
It just happened. He never asked me to move in; never said “stay more often.” But he didn’t complain, either. He let it happen. I took his silence as approval. I convinced myself that if he wasn’t stopping me, it meant he wanted me there.
What did those nights look like?
Normal. We’d watch films, eat, have sex or sometimes just sit quietly while he worked on his laptop. I’d cook most evenings. I cleaned up without being asked. He never demanded those things, but I offered them freely. To me, it was proof of love.
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Did you feel appreciated?
In small ways. He would thank me for cooking or say “you’re thoughtful.” But there was no deeper appreciation. He never talked about a future, never acknowledged what my care meant. I brushed that aside because I was also scared to address them.
Why was proving yourself so important?
Because I didn’t think just being myself was enough. Deep down, I thought love had to be earned. My dad’s voice, to always do better, was always in the back of my mind. So I thought if I did everything like: cooked, cleaned, and gave him peace, maybe he would see my worth.
Did you ever talk about commitment directly?
A few times. I brought up marriage in a half-joking way. He went quiet and changed the subject. I told myself he just needed more time.
At what point did you notice things shifting?
Maybe around the second year. He became distant. Cancelled plans more often. Texted less. Sometimes he wouldn’t come home until late, and sometimes, I would be waiting with food.
How did the breakup happen?
It was one morning, after I had stayed the night. He was calm, almost too calm. He said he didn’t see a future with me. Just like that. He said I was good to him but not the one. Just a statement that ended everything. I remember sitting there, trying to process it, while my things were still in his wardrobe.
What did you feel at that moment?
Numbness first. Then shame. I had given him so much of myself, built my life around him, and he ended it as if it was nothing. It was humiliating. I packed my bag and left. That walk home was the longest I have ever taken.
Did you blame yourself?
Completely. For weeks, I kept asking myself, “What more could I have done?” I thought maybe if I had been prettier, quieter, more patient, he wouldn’t have left. The breakup confirmed every insecurity I had.
How did you begin to move on from that?
I cried a lot. I shut people out for a while. Then one day, I decided I needed to stop running into the same wall. I told myself: no dating for now. It’s been over a year. I started therapy, journalled and spent more time with friends. Slowly, I began to rebuild myself.
What did therapy open up for you?
It helped me see the pattern. I kept choosing men like my father. Therapy helped me see that I was replaying my childhood in my adult relationships. Once I understood that, I started breaking the cycle.
Do you see yourself dating again soon?
Not yet. I’m still healing. When I do, I will approach it differently. I will ask questions earlier. I won’t make assumptions. And I won’t give half of myself away just to prove I’m worthy.
If you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?
I would say: you don’t need to audition for love. You don’t have to beg to be chosen. If he wants you, he will show it. And if he doesn’t, no amount of cooking or sleeping over will change that. Love is in the choice to stay, not in the chores you do.
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*Pseudonym
