Have you ever wondered how people enter a friends with benefits (FWB) relationship? What happens in the relationship, and how do they navigate that particular kind of ‘ship’? In this interview, JD explores the realities of what being in a friends with benefits relationship is like with Ejiro* (26).
How did it all begin?
We work in the same company but not in the same team. I first noticed him during an all hands meeting. He was one of the speakers. Tall, confident, very sure of himself. I’m not the type to get crushes at work because of HR wahala, but I can’t lie, he caught my attention.
We didn’t talk properly until about three months later at a Friday happy hour. You know those office socials where everyone pretends they’re “just relaxing” but it’s actually networking? We ended up talking when we were asked to move around to get to meet another person from another team. He moved towards me. After pleasantries, we talked about work, then life, then somehow we stayed after most people had left.
The first time we went home together, it wasn’t planned. I didn’t even think it would happen. But it did. And then, the next week, it happened again. That’s when we had the conversation about keeping it casual.
Casual? Meaning with no commitments?
Yes. More like friends with benefits.
Did you both call it “Friends with Benefits” from the start?
Not exactly. That’s the funny thing. It started as “it just happened.” Then it happened again. And again. After about a month, we had to address it. I remember him saying, “I like what we have. I’m not looking for anything serious right now, but I like being with you.” And honestly, I wasn’t looking for a relationship either.
We agreed, no strings, no expectations. But I’ve learnt that “no strings” is easier said than done.
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How did you guys navigate the work dynamics?
It was as clear as it could be. We said no drama, no telling people at work. We also said it was strictly physical. Looking back, it was wishful thinking. Humans aren’t built like that.
How did it work logistically? I mean, working in the same company.
We kept it very professional at work. No flirty emails, no lingering by each other’s desks.
But after work, that’s another story. Sometimes we would leave separately and meet somewhere else. Sometimes it was as simple as him dropping by my flat after work. It was discreet, because he picked me up a distance away from the office.
Was it purely about the sex?
At first, yes. We were both clear that we didn’t want a relationship. The sex was good not just because of the act itself, but because of the context. There’s something about knowing you could see someone in a mixed team meeting tomorrow and remembering what happened the night before.
But over time, it became more than that. Not a relationship, but connection. We started talking more. He would send me articles he thought I would like. We would swap playlists. We started having these mini “debriefs” after office meetings, not about work, but about people; office politics – who’s getting promoted, who’s secretly struggling. That intimacy creeps up on you.
Did you ever feel afraid of being found out?
Every day. In an office, people notice things. Being too careful that HR doesn’t notice us. You can’t be too familiar, can’t be too cold. There’s a fine line between acting normal and acting suspicious.
There was a time when a colleague joked, “You two always seem to be in the same place.” I laughed it off, but it stuck with me. From then, we became even more careful.
Did the fear ever make you want to stop?
Not exactly. If anything, the risk made it more exciting at first. But the emotional risk that’s different. That’s what scared me.
When did the emotional part start showing up?
The first time I missed him. It sounds silly, but we hadn’t seen each other for about two weeks because of travel. I realised I wasn’t just missing the sex. I missed our talks, the way he made me laugh whenever we’re alone. That’s when I knew it wasn’t just physical anymore.
Did you talk about that with him?
No. Our unspoken rule is “don’t bring feelings into it.” But I think he’s noticed. There’s this way he looks at me sometimes that makes me wonder if he’s in the same place.
How do you handle the power dynamics?
Luckily, he’s not my boss and has no say in my career progression. But in a corporate setting, there’s always politics. If this ended badly, it could make work awkward. That’s another reason we keep it under wraps.
Has it changed how you see relationships?
Yes. I used to think Friends with Benefits was just sex without strings. Now I know it’s sex with invisible strings.
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What’s the hardest part of being in this arrangement?
The in-between moments. The way he’ll casually touch my arm in the lift when no one’s looking. The way we’ll be with our colleagues and he’ll make a joke only I understand. Those things feel more intimate than the sex sometimes.
And the fear. Fear that it ends and we can’t be normal colleagues again. Fear that he’ll meet someone else and I’ll have to see it unfold in front of me at work.
What’s the current situation now?
It ended some months ago.
How did it end?
One day, he told me he was talking to someone seriously. And that was it. He didn’t make it dramatic; he just said he thought we should stop. I said, “Cool, I understand.” But that night, I cried. Not because I wanted to marry him or anything, but because I lost both the friend and the “benefits” in one go.
Looking back, would you do it again?
Maybe but differently. I’d be clearer with myself about what I wanted. I’d check in more often, like, “Are we still okay with this?” And I’d be ready for it to end from the start.
It’s not a kind of relationship for everyone. If you’re the type to catch feelings easily, just don’t do it. But if you’re self-aware, honest, and can actually keep boundaries, it can work for a while. Just don’t expect it to last forever.
What’s one thing people don’t talk about when it comes with relationships of this nature?
The loneliness afterwards. When it ends, you realise you can’t even tell your other friends how much it hurts, because they might judge you. You just carry it quietly, go to work, smile in meetings, and pretend nothing happened.
*Pseudonym
