When Amanda* (25) started dating her ex at the beginning of an 18-month relationship, the steady attention felt very romantic. Not long after, however, that affection slowly turned into control, silence, and emotional exhaustion. In this conversation with JD, she opens up about the red flags she ignored, the moment that broke her, and what she learnt about love after leaving.
How are you feeling, Amanda? Okay to do this today?
Well, I think I am doing better than I was months ago. At least, I can talk about things now without it affecting me drastically.
I can imagine. What would you say has helped?
To be honest, a lot of things. But I can say I focus on work. And yes, I like reading too. I read a lot of romance novels, and sometimes I laugh at myself because I know life is not like that. But I enjoy it. I also like going out to eat. And I love music. Sometimes I just put my earphones in and walk around. That’s my own therapy.
Interesting. So let’s talk about that relationship?
It ended last year. We were together for a year and half. If I am being entirely honest, I still feel the weight of it sometimes because I gave it so much of my time.
Sorry about your experience.
Thank you but of course, it’s not your fault. lol.
I’ll give you 90% for your sense of humour. Lol. So, how did you meet?
It was at the bank. I went to withdraw money and the machine was misbehaving. He was standing behind me, trying to act like a good Samaritan. Not that he fixed anything like that, but he made me laugh. Then outside he asked for my number. I almost said no, but that day I was in a good mood. That’s how it started.
What made you say yes to him after that first meeting?
He called the same evening. I didn’t expect it. Most guys like to ‘form’ strategy, waiting a few days before calling. But he was straight. He said, “I don’t want to play games.” He kept calling every day, and it felt nice. That steady attention drew me in. It made me feel like, okay, this person is serious.
When did it turn into a relationship?
About two months later. He asked directly, “Are we doing this or not?” I liked that he was clear. I said yes. Looking back, I should have slowed down, but at that time, it felt right.
What was it like in the early days?
Sweet. He was calling all the time, showing up with food, buying me gifts. My friends thought I had hit the jackpot. He even remembered small details, like the name of my younger brother or what colour I said I liked. I was impressed. Even me, I was telling myself, “Finally, someone that puts effort.”
Were there any red flags?
Yes, there were. The way he spoke about his exes. Every single one was bad. Either she was “toxic,” or “disrespectful,” or “cheated.” I should have asked myself why everybody before me was the problem. But I didn’t. Instead, I believed him when he said, “You are not like them.” That was my mistake.
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Did you ever challenge him on that?
Once or twice. He would laugh it off and say, “Don’t worry, you are different.” And me, I wanted to believe that. It felt good being the “different one.” So I ignored it.
Were there any good parts?
To be fair, yes. He liked to show off that he was caring. He would post me on his status, take me out, and so many other nice things. People around me loved him. To them, it looked like the perfect relationship. And sometimes I enjoyed it too. There were moments I thought, “This is it, this is love.”
Hmmm.
But the silence was the not-so-good part. That guy knew how to use silence like a weapon. If we argued, sometimes, he would block me, disappear for days. No calls, no texts. And when he finally came back, I had to be the one acting thankful that he returned. It made me feel small, like my feelings didn’t matter.
Was there a reason you didn’t break up at the time?
Because I had already invested time. I thought, “We have done one year already, should I now throw it away?” I also told myself relationships are not easy, you have to fight for it. And then his apologies. Ah, those ones were another level. He could buy me gifts, send money to my account all in the name of sorry. And I would melt. I used to think, “Maybe this time he means it.”
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Did you ever think of ending it earlier?
Yes. One time I caught him lying. He told me he was at home, but someone sent me a picture of him at a club with another woman. I confronted him, and instead of admitting, he turned it around. He said I was insecure, that I didn’t trust him. He twisted it so well that I started doubting myself. That day I should have left. But I stayed.
So what was the final straw?
Funny enough, it wasn’t even the biggest thing. I missed his call one day because I was in a work meeting. He blew up. Said I didn’t respect him. He hung up and blocked me. Just like that. One year and half, and he cut me off because of one missed call.
A week later, he came back as if nothing happened. That was when something in me shifted. I realised, “This is not love. This is manipulation.” That block was the slap I needed to wake up.
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How did you leave?
I didn’t do the usual explanation. None of that sit him down rubbish. I just stopped picking his calls, stopped replying. I knew if I gave him that chance, he would sweet-talk me back. So I cut it off quietly.
Did he try to come back?
Of course. He sent messages with different numbers, begged through friends, even showed up at my office one day. He cried, he begged, he promised change. But by then, the charm had finished. I had seen him clearly. And once you see someone for who they are, you can’t unsee it.
I know you said you stayed because you had invested time, but did any other thing play on your mind?
I think I was holding onto the picture of the relationship, not the reality. Everybody around me thought we were perfect. I didn’t want to explain a breakup, or admit I was unhappy. I didn’t trust my own feelings. That’s what kept me stuck.
Has this experience shaped how you see love now?
Attention doesn’t mean love. Someone calling you all the time doesn’t mean they care, it might just mean they want to monitor you. Gifts don’t cover disrespect. If respect is missing, everything else is fake. And most importantly, I don’t ignore my gut anymore. That uneasy feeling is enough.
Do you regret those one and half years spent together?
No. I don’t. Because I learnt. I learnt how far I can go against myself, and I don’t ever want to do that again. I know now that silence can be violence and that apologies can be a mere performance. Those lessons will guide me in making choices for my future relationships.
What would you tell anyone ignoring red flags right now?
Don’t wait for proof. If something feels off, it’s off. Love is not supposed to reduce you. If you feel smaller in a relationship, then it’s not love.
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*Pseudonym
