Loving someone who won’t leave the streets is a different kind of heartbreak. I wanted him, but I had to accept that he wasn’t ready to let go of his sneaky link. Between love, limerence, and hard lessons, I learned that sometimes, walking away is the only way to choose yourself.
Love means different things to different people. For some, it’s butterflies and a lifetime of cute surprises. For others, it’s a lesson – a sometimes painful but necessary experience. For 23-year-old Zara (not real name), love has been a mix of both: sweet, confusing, and a little chaotic. From a situationship that refused to define itself, to a relationship that ended with a tracking service, this is her love story.
What has dating been like for you?
It’s been pretty chill, to be honest. I’ve met mostly decent men – kind men, even. I wouldn’t say I’ve had any horror stories. Well… maybe one. But overall, I think I’ve been lucky.
Tell me about that one situationship that stands out.
It was 2020. We were acquaintances at first, then friends. Then somehow, we started liking each other. I thought I was ready for a relationship, but in hindsight, I wasn’t. I just didn’t like the uncertainty of being in-between – I wanted something defined.
We went back and forth for a whole year. And you know, some months were actually very cute and romantic. It was clear. However, some others were frustrating and blurry. Then we graduated, and I knew I couldn’t keep it up. They say “out of mind is out of sight”, and I know that consistent communication, like calling somebody every day, can make feelings grow. So I did what I had to do – I cut him off. No calls, no messages, I even blocked him. Three months of radio silence. It helped. I knew that if I kept talking to him, I wouldn’t be able to move on.
It seems like you fell for him but he didn’t feel the same way
It was the intensity and what I was asking for. He didn’t mind the whole “let’s like each other”. I wanted to be in a relationship, and he wasn’t ready for that. And you know, he already made that clear, even when we were friends. I already knew his headspace.
So I think it was selfish on my part, because I already knew, even before we started. It was selfish on my part to start making demands, like, Oh, this is what I want, you know.
Did you ever think he was seeing someone else?
No, he wasn’t. That much I’m sure of. Funny enough, when we started speaking again, we had an honest conversation about the past.
What was that experience like for you? Did you feel bad?
I think it was the first time I liked someone. I think I can even use the word ‘love’. I was so attached. I don’t know if it’s love or limerence. I think I can call it limerence because it was hectic. It was a lot. However, it was never a case of unrequited love – we just wanted different things from the relationship. Yeah.
Okay, so after that, what was your first real relationship like?
It was after university. I met someone in January, we started dating in March, and by September, it was game over. It was his fault; none of mine. So I ended the relationship.
What happened?
Red flags. The ones I ignored at the beginning turned into a whole carnival by the end. I could not deal.
What kind of red flags?
I don’t want to make him sound like a villain. He did a lot of good things. But at the core of it, he wasn’t ready to leave the streets.
Wow, was he seeing someone else?
Oh well. Not like he had another girlfriend. He was a fine boy, and women loved him. At first, I told myself, “He’s choosing me.” But over time, I realised that he wasn’t asserting his boundaries enough. I noticed before the relationship got longer, around the third month. That was a major concern for me and I think we talked about it. It was like he wanted to change, but the streets refused to release him.
There was this one girl who was always in the picture. Even on days when, you know, he wasn’t seeking her, she was actively on his case sending messages, pictures, and just being there. And I could tell that he didn’t exactly resist it.
It was like a case of, you have an old lifestyle that you’re trying to leave, but the gains from that past are calling you out so strongly and you cannot resist it. That was when I knew I couldn’t stay.
Omo. That’s crazy.
I know, right?
Speaking of crazy. What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for love?
Hmmm. Okay, this. Lol. So after I started noticing signs that he wasn’t being faithful, I had a gut feeling that something was off one night when he went out. I just knew she was with him. I couldn’t sleep. My anxiety was through the roof. So I paid for a tracking service to track his number. No, don’t blame me. That was the moment I realised, this isn’t love – this is madness.
Are you still friends?
We only speak about certain subjects, and that’s all. I don’t do ex-friendships. So, I’m very intentional about keeping distance with my exes.
What’s your take on abstinence before marriage?
I’ll tell anyone: abstain. But at the end of the day, people will do what they want.
For some people, sex is just sex. For others, when they have sex, they’re giving their soul and their heart and their mind, and yet for some other people, it’s transactional.
My advice? Any range that you are in, know why you’re doing what you’re doing. No go do copy-copy. If it’s just sex, own it. If it’s emotional for you, protect yourself. But for me? I say abstain. It saves you a lot of stress.
Are you dating anyone right now?
I’m talking to someone, but I know it won’t work.
Ah, wahala. So what exactly are you looking for?
I’m looking for my husband.
Wait o. Did you just say you’re talking to someone you know won’t work?
I know what I want in my husband. And it’s not him or any of the people I have met so far.
READ ALSO: Between love and online in-laws; A tale of Amaka’s ‘almost love’ situationship
What do you want then?
Stability. And I’ve realised that I don’t need a relationship right now. Dating my ex was a wrong move, I have to admit. I had no business being in a relationship at that time. Maybe I’ll feel different later. But right now? I’m not open to just dating anyone.
Do you have a marriage timeline?
Not really. I know that when the time is right, I’ll get married.
So, for now, you’re single but not searching?
Exactly. I’m just having conversations.
On the brighter side now, what’s the most romantic thing someone has ever done for you?
It might sound small, but it meant the world to me. One time, I came home from work completely exhausted. And out of nowhere, my ex showed up with a bowl of groundnut soup and swallow that he had cooked himself. He just said, I knew you’d be hungry, so I made this for you. I can’t lie, it touched my heart.
Awww. So cute. As we finish, can you give anyone reading this a takeaway from your love journey?
Know yourself before getting into a relationship. And know why you’re getting in too.
KloutBox #LoveBox Series
This story is part of the KloutBox #LoveBox series, celebrating Valentine’s Day by sharing real stories about love, heartbreak, and everything in between. Subscribe to our newsletter here so you can be the first to know when we release the next issue in the series.
