THE ARREST OF ‘KONJI’

Konji has been brought in for interrogation by the Nigerian Police Force for his overbearing use of his power on humans, which has led to a surge of birthrate in an already overpopulated Nigeria. 

His actions have become a criminal offence under Section 39 of the Nigeria Police Act of 2020. In the interrogation room, two Detectives interrogate Konji; Detective Bongo and Detective Saga.

DS: Who are you? 

Konji: (laughs wickedly) Una no know who una catch? Is it not obvious who I am? 

DB: Hey, stop playing games! You better answer us now before we throw you into prison. 

Konji: Me, prison? Then the entire human race will be rendered useless! Emi ekun? The mekwe activator of all activators. 

The one who plays tinko tinko with the vulnerability of humans. The one who sets Baba Bisi’s mood in the oda room, so that junior can be born. The one who…

DB: Ogbeni! It’s okay, jare. (Aside) This werey wan koba me sha. 

Konji: Officer, are you in the mood already (winks).

DB: Shut up! Bastard! 

Konji: Well, that’s my surname. 

DS: But, why? Why do you play on the vulnerability of humans? 

Konji: Officer, I’m just doing my job.  I’m always bored and humans are always horny. That makes us even. Horny humans don’t always think straight; they think with that thing in the middle of their legs. For humans, the mekwe justifies the means. 

DB: (looks at Konji angrily) And you don’t feel guilty for your actions?

Konji: Guilt? Guilt is the battlefield of the human mind. That got nothing to do with me. My own is just to set them in that romantic mood when necessary or not. Trust me, Officer, I really do a good job at that. A trial will convince you. 

DB: Hey! Don’t go there at all! Do you think you’re in the other room or what?! 

Konji: Officer, why are you getting so worked up? And for your information, I don’t need the oda room to carry out my job. Even right here, I can set you in mood with or without your permission

DS: Enough of that. Do you act alone or do you have accomplices? 

Konji: That’s quite a dicey question. Sometimes, I’m jejely on my own, but it’s you humans that will send me invites by the erotic images you feed your minds and eyes with. After, they will now accuse me of ‘catching’ them. At other times, I just look pe, it’s been a long time this particular human has had a feel of my touch, so I honour them with my presence, most especially when their guards are down. 

DB: You haven’t named anyone. 

Konji: I don’t have to. Figure them out yourself. 

DB: Ogbeni, mind your speech. Ehen, we got intel about you being in high demand in a particular season of the year in Nigeria. Why is that? 

Konji: Ha! The rainy season. Omo, that’s my busiest period of the year. Humans dey always rush me like noodles. Na Naija weather you suppose ask this question. I have no control over my demand, in fact, I recently suffered from fatigue during one of those periods. I should be recuperating now. 

DB: And this is when a lot of babies are made, right?

Konji: I’m just doing my job officer. I’m not the cause of overpopulation in Nigeria. Normal, normal, Nigerians too like to mekwe. 

DB: What do you mean?! 

Konji: You see, Nigerian are hypocrites. They f*ck a lot but…

DB: Hey! Language! Language! 

Konji: Chill, Detective. Na wetin we dey talk be that.  As I was saying, Nigerians copulate alot but they pretend alot. They are always scared to talk about sex but they have lots of it. They’ve built an awkwardness around sex with different kinds of adjectives and you begin to wonder if Nigerians ever have sex. They should talk more on safe methods of having sex or abstinence. Make una no dey blame konji for everything. I don tire sef. 

DS: How can humans have a control over you? 

Konji: (laughs) You don’t expect me to give out my trade secret, right? However, some humans have come up with different ways of either resisting or suppressing me, you can ask them that question. But that one no mean say I no go catch them one day. 

DS: It’s alright. We will let you go now, but we might likely invite you in the future for more questioning, if need be. You’re not to cause more harm than you’ve caused already. 

Uncuff him, Detective Bongo. 

DS: (looks Konji in the eyes) Bastard!

Dear readers, in the case where you haven’t felt Konji in a long time, that’s because he has been in our custody. But for the cause of the human race, we have now released him for your pleasure. 

Guys, go into the world and multiply!  

N.B.: According to Urban Dictionary, “Konji is a state of extreme horniness. Usually only applies to people who have tasted the forbidden fruit before.”