In today’s dating economy, choosing a partner is like picking a niche market—you either go for vibes or secure the bag. And if there’s one category of men that promise both, it’s the almighty Tech Bros and Crypto Kings.
A social media user, Simi Dollaz (@simikunleoni), once dropped a list of the top nine categories of in-demand boyfriends in Nigeria. Among them, the ever-present Tech Bros and Crypto traders made the cut. But what’s it really like to date them? Let’s break it down.
Tech Bros: Simple Clothes, Heavy Bank Accounts
Tech Bros – an appellation for a man employed in the tech industry) – are like your favourite mobile app – functional, minimalistic, and always in beta mode (because they never stop learning). According to Simi Dollaz, “you’ll know them when you see them”: they dress like a Steve Jobs tribute act – plain t-shirts, jeans, and an inexplicable obsession with Crocs.
The real giveaway, she says, is they “never shut up about being Tech Bros”. And that’s true. If he hasn’t casually mentioned his 6-figure salary and how he’s bUilDinG sOmEtHinG dIsRuPtiVe, give it time. They are the kings of random buzzwords like “scalability” and “MVP,” and if you ask them about their love language, they’ll probably say efficiency.
The good news though is that they are often financially stable (if not downright loaded). The bad news is that you may have to compete with their laptop for attention. Date nights could turn into debugging sessions, and your romantic “I miss you” text might get lost in Slack notifications.
Crypto Bros: The Kings of “Buy the Dip”
Dating a Crypto Bro is a rollercoaster, literally. One minute, he’s up ₦5 million, flexing in a Telegram group. The next, he’s muttering “it’s just a dip” while staring blankly at his screen. If you don’t understand blockchain and Web3, don’t worry – neither do they, but that won’t stop them from explaining it to you for hours.
According to Simi Dollaz, Crypto Bros won’t cheat on you as much because they are too busy obsessing over charts and “the market.” Their mood is directly linked to Bitcoin’s price, so if you see him looking depressed at brunch, just know Ethereum has crashed again.
The good part? They can afford spontaneous baecations to Dubai. The bad part? He might ask you to invest in an NFT instead of buying you an actual birthday gift.
Other Boyfriend Categories
Simi Dollaz’ list also included:
- Influencers – Fun, but will use your relationship for content.
- Food critics – Might love food more than they love you.
- Lecturers – Love to argue, probably have hot takes on everything.
- 9-5 guys – Stable but might complain about “Monday blues” forever.
- Sons of rich men – No stress, but his father’s money is not your money.
- The unemployed – Good for character development (whatever that means, LOL)
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At the end of the day, dating is like trading crypto — high risk, high reward. Whether you choose a Tech Bro, a Crypto Bro, or a regular 9-5 guy, just make sure he’s giving you peace and not stress.
What do you think about this list? Have you ever dated a Tech or Crypto Bro? Drop your experience in the comments!
