“You accept the love you think you deserve”. Surely, you’ve heard that over and again on feminist and patriarchy Twitter. But the question is, “Can we really get our spec in a single person or is it only an illusion?”
“She doesn’t meet my spec“, “He’s not my type”. They are lines we’ve all heard before, maybe we’ve even said either ourselves.
Specs, in the world of love and relationships, are like the checklists we draw up before going shopping. Only this time, we’re shopping for a lover or soulmate. For some, it’s one who can smile like their favourite celebrity; speak Queen’s English like they were born in Oxford; with the body of a Greek sculpture (or a Coca-Cola bottle), as well as common sense, ambition, emotional intelligence, faith and vibes.
Recently, a friend told me about a girl he met. According to him, she’s everything a serious man should be looking for in a wife. She’s emotionally mature, God-fearing, smart, has drive, kind, and holds conversations that actually stimulate his brain. But… there’s always a “but”. Isn’t there?
My friend just couldn’t get past the fact that this lady who is “everything a serious man” would want didn’t have “enough Chelsea and Barca.” In other words, she nor too get breast and yansh.
It was funny at first, but it also made me think: is it possible for one person to meet all our criteria? Or are we just being sold an illusion by movies, Instagram, and motivational tweets?
The idea of a perfect spec sounds nice until you realise you’re searching for a unicorn in a world full of very real, very human beings – with flaws, scars, and soft bellies.
Related: She Didn’t Leave. Life Took Her – A Love Story Cut Short
As you’ve read earlier, specs usually fall into categories. For some, it’s physical: height, complexion, shape, smile, beard, curves, abs, skin tone. For others, it’s about values, religion, career ambition, personality type, emotional strength or even the way someone prays or pronounces “hallelujah.” And yet for a few more, it’s a combination of all: mental, spiritual, financial, physical, culinary. They want someone who can love God, love them, make amala, share bills, make them laugh, have drip, be romantic, be serious, and still know how to beg when they are in the wrong.
You dey find transformer or AI character?
Granted, having preferences is normal. In fact, it’s healthy. You should know what you want and what works for you. But the problem is that a lot of people treat these preferences like non-negotiable requirements. As if the person who does not check just one item on their list would never make a good partner. They forget that people are not built to meet fantasy specs, humans are built to evolve, adapt, grow, and love. And love, my dear, is not a checklist. It’s a journey. A gamble. A sometimes beautiful, sometimes messy, partnership that takes a lot more than just matching specs.
It also appears men and women approach the issue of specs differently. Kehinde says “guys, more often, lean heavily towards physical traits – she must be fine, thick, have good skin, soft voice, feminine energy, and preferably, be serving subtle Instagram aesthetics”. Never mind any other flaw, as long as she’s “figure 8” with a face that’s giving, bros is halfway in love already.
On the flip side, women more often zero in on lifestyle and ambition, Lydia says. “He must be tall, at least six feet, have a stable job or promising business, know how to communicate, have a nice car, pray in tongues, and preferably look like someone that smells like Dior Sauvage”.
But again, how many people really come with all these specs, baked and ready to serve? Any considerations for emotional availability, the occasional selfishness, or the obvious lack of direction you’re flagging but overlooking?
More importantly, how many of us are really the specs we’re looking for? Let’s not deceive ourselves. Sometimes we want what we haven’t even built in ourselves. You want a confident, driven, emotionally intelligent partner, but you’re still struggling to communicate how you feel without flaring up.
You want a soft-spoken, respectful babe, but you raise your voice like a towncrier. You want a man with goals and sense, but you haven’t asked yourself what it means to build a relationship beyond date nights and Snapchat filters.
Read this: The Arrest of ‘Konji’
This is where reality begins to slap us gently: No matter how amazing someone is, they will still fall short somewhere. Maybe they can’t dress well. Maybe they’re a little too talkative. Maybe their music taste annoys you. Maybe they snore. Maybe they don’t have as much financial stability yet. Maybe they chew loudly. Maybe they’re not as physically attractive as you imagined your partner to be.
There will always be something. The real question is: can you live with that “something”? Can you still choose them every day, even with that missing piece?
Because truth be told, what makes a relationship last isn’t finding someone who ticks every box. It’s finding someone whose flaws you can accommodate and whose strengths you deeply admire. It’s someone who may not look like your “dream guy” or “dream girl” but who treats you with so much love, consistency, and peace that your dreams naturally adjust.
You’ll find people who tick 80%, maybe even 90%. That’s already a jackpot. That last 10% might never show up, and you may have to be okay with that. Because when you finally choose someone, it shouldn’t be because they’re your perfect spec on paper. It should be because they’re perfect for your journey, flaws and all.
A relationship is not a fantasy league. It’s not curated like an Instagram feed. It’s lived in real-time, with morning breath, bad days, ugly fights, and boring moments. And your spec? It might matter less when the storms of life hit. You’ll forget height and hips when you need a partner who listens, comforts, sacrifices, and chooses you even on your unlovable days.
So maybe it’s time to redefine “spec.” Not as a fixed picture, but as a fluid idea that leaves room for grace, growth, and discovery. Because sometimes, the love of your life won’t come in your ideal package. And sometimes, the person who checks every box might still leave you empty. Na who give you peace be your spec, no be the person wey the only thing you see na say dem resemble video vixen or get six packs. Again, that is not to say a video vixen or bodybuilder for example, cannot give you peace or have other things you want in your person.
So next time you say, “He doesn’t meet my spec” or “She’s not my type,” ask yourself: am I chasing utopian perfection or am I ready to embrace a person? Because even you, my dear, even you no complete. Na person go still manage you too.
To read more stories from our Breakfast and Butterflies category, click here and subscribe here also to our newsletter to receive more goodies.
